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From Jim Giglio:
It seems to be a pretty eclectic collection.
autopsy.html
I posted this to a couple of lists at the time, based on what might happen if the US Gummint took him seriously. Since then, it's occurred to me that the basic idea might make a fairly funny movie. Either Michael (Cosmo Kramer) Richards or Jason (George Costanza) Alexander might play Santilli pretty effectively.
If it suits your purpose, feel free to use it any way you like.
Statement
from the bench,
US Court of Appeals,
United States vs Santilli
Mr. Santilli, you stand before this court today because of your own words, and the actions of others both in and out of government who took those words seriously. Before handing down final judgment, the court will briefly review the circumstances of the case at hand.
In the summer of 1995, you announced in various public forums that you had come into possession of certain motion picture film supposedly taken by a US government military photographer. You alleged that the film depicted an autopsy, conducted in 1947, on the body of an alien being recovered from the wreckage of an extraterrestrial spacecraft that supposedly crashed near Roswell, New Mexico.
You alleged that you paid the photographer a considerable sum for the film (around $50,000). You then offered this film, or portions of it, for sale to various media outlets, and made sales to these outlets worth several million dollars.
Following the initial exhibitions of the film in several nations, a sizable public controversy arose as to its authenticity. Numerous individuals, associated with organizations dedicated to confirming the theory that our planet is currently being visited by extraterrestrials, prevailed on both the executive and legislative branches of the US government to conduct investigations. These investigations, it was alleged, could strip away a veil of secrecy and cover-up that has supposedly shrouded the Roswell events since 1947.
As a result of this
public hue and cry, a special congressional investigation was authorized,
funded, and organized. The cooperation of numerous executive branch agencies
was solicited during the conduct of this investigation, among them the Department
of Justice. A special investigative task force was organized in DOJ, and
this task force began tracing the money flows involved in the transactions
you claimed took place between yourself, the alleged photographer,
and various media outlets.
At this point, you
may have begun to realize the potential adverse consequences to yourself
of the public controversy you had initiated. These consequences began to
develop when one of the members of the DOJ task force suggested taking you
at your word and accepting as truthful the various allegations you had made.
Operating on that
assumption, the task force quickly came to the following conclusions:
1) The photographer could be prosecuted for numerous violations of laws and regulations relating to the proper handling and disposition of highly classified information.
2) The photographer, in keeping copies of the film, was in possession of stolen government property; his sale of that stolen property to you was therefore illegal, and all funds realized by the photographer from this illegal transaction are subject to forfeiture to the government.
3) Since you, in your own words, admitted to being fully aware of how the photographer came into possession of the film, you also had to be fully aware that in offering the film for sale, you were illegally offering up stolen government property. All funds realized from these transactions are therefore subject to forfeiture to the US government.
The task force acted promptly on these conclusions, freezing your assets in the US, and obtaining the cooperation of certain foreign governments in freezing your overseas assets; these actions were followed up by seizure proceedings, in order to secure possession of the illegally obtained proceeds of your various transactions.
The task force next
examined your public statements concerning the film in question, and checked
out both the film and your statements for any objective evidence that your
statements were false. Finding no such evidence, the task force initiated
prosecution of you on charges related to your illegal transactions. Your
statements, in
effect, amounted to a full and public confession of some quite serious felonies.
At this point, you probably began to feel genuine apprehension, perhaps
even fright, at the predicament you had gotten yourself into.
The resulting prosecution possessed two features of interest:
1) The prosecution assembled tape and film footage of your public statements on the origin of the film, together with certain written documents. The prosecution then indicated that they had no intention of attempting to discredit these statements, that your statements amounted to a full confession, that there were no issues of fact for a jury to decide, and requested a directed verdict of guilty.
2) Your defense
was then faced with what amounted to a reversal of the usual situation vis-à-vis
prosecution and defense. Instead of the prosecution being required to prove
your guilt, you had to prove your innocence. And in order to do that, you
faced the unpleasant prospect of establishing that your statements, concerning
the film's content
and manner of acquisition by you, were false. An interesting predicament.
You are standing here today, instead of languishing in a federal prison, because you succeeded in extricating yourself from your situation in the only way you could; you proved that the whole "alien autopsy" was an elaborate hoax. You led investigators to the studio where the hoax was filmed, showed them the props and costumes, and even presented the simulated "alien corpse" to the investigators. You also led investigators to your accomplices, who, with commendable alacrity, produced full statements describing the staging and production of the film (the phrase "fell all over themselves to rat him out" was used by one of the investigators who obtained these statements.)
You are therefore
free to go, Mr Santilli. Your assets have been unfrozen and you are at liberty
to resume your life and career. There is only one small catch; the investigations
which were stimulated by your hoax have been quite expensive. The court
is in possession of a complete accounting of all investigative costs, amounting
to 3.7
million dollars. This amount will be subtracted from your assets before
they are unfrozen. The court further notes that these investigative costs
amount to more than the sum of your frozen assets, and that you therefore
owe the US government $517,478. The bailiffs will escort you to the office
of the court's collection agent; she will assist you in arranging a schedule
of payments to retire this debt.
In conclusion, and incidentally, your passport will remain in the custody of the court until your debt is retired. The court hopes you have an enjoyable stay in the United States.